Monday, February 7, 2011

Bad Hand Lavish God

I found this note page on my Facebook site… Hey! Let's write something… just for fun…

The kids are shopping with Eli, so I am here alone (except for Brian and Jenn, Melissa, Chris and Kim  and even Kathy V--  Thanks guys. You don't even know how much we appreciate you).

Today was an incredibly up and down day. The treatment is not really showing any signs of working, um, at all. We are going to finish the course on Friday. But we spent the night holding each other and looking at reality if no amazing miracle of God happens. It looks really cool and exciting for me, and not so fun for Eli, and brutal for my children, just saying.

We went for blood tests today. The nurse tsked at my bruises. (here's where the delete key might work well…). My hands and arms are pretty "done in" from all the attempts at finding a vein brave enough to stand up and take fluids). They are all bruised and scared. Cowards.

We had tried to cut back the steroids. Very bad idea that cutting back. Without them, I'm a little scary. More that a little. I don't walk well. Half of me just doesn't get what it should be feeling about it. The other half is also starting to forget, play the non memory after 53 years, and numb up. What??? You too? Don't you know you took me on a fun field trip less than FOUR weeks ago? And now you can't remember how to hold me up??? Really? Really?

Anyway, the guy doing the blood tests gave us buckets of hope, We needed that, pretty badly. He told us about a treatment that has worked with brain tumors. WE are probably going to try that after this round is done, Supposedly, the nasty tasting stuff gets past the blood brain barrier, and dissolves the coating of the tumor. Without the coating, the body can recognize it for the vile thing that it is, and attack it. So we are going for another "long shot". The adventure of it is so like me.

See, I figure I have three choices: Do nothing. The sites I read last night in my first real attempt at researching this thing since the first diagnosis, are crazy. They put me at 6 to 12 weeks to live.  What???

Still open to me is option 2, radiation hell. All I hear and read is that while it is an option, there is no hope of life at the end of that option. There would be a extension of life by a grand six months or more, but the extension sounds worse that the cancer, and the life sounds terrible. Forgive me if that just doesn't sound worth it.

My third option is to still try to find a miracle. Another treatment? Game on! We'll try it! A miracle of God? He can save through many or few, I know. How about an army of so many warriors? What a cool plan! I love that idea!!!

Your prayers and encouragement are amazing. Throughout they day and night (did you know that steroids make you a little like God? You hardly need any sleep at all!)  I can see what everyone is up to on Facebook. I love that almost as much as listening to my friends sing to me …"I want to love you, like you love me, more that anything, more that anything…"). I appreciate you so much. Your willingness to walk with me, write to me, pray for me and stand with me, make my life beautiful and rich…

Thank you so much.

Pray for my man. Pray for my children. They are amazing. In for a penny, In for a pound.


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